A Very Homestuck Christmas
by Stupidstupiddumb
Summary: This is as finished as I want it to be.


Snowflakes fell from the grey sky, slowly filling the holes in the snow left by Gamzee's boot-covered feet. He was running a little late, and the snowfall wasn't exactly helping matters. He was completely lost in the blizzard, and, having no means of contact, utterly alone. At the very least, he was keeping warm with his red polka dot fat suit. He couldn't quite remember what the kids called him. Mana Falls? Miss Mingle? It didn't matter at the moment. By some miracle, he would make it to the party.

About a week earlier, a certain troll with short horns decided to take a stroll around a crater in a checkered planet. He had known a planet very similar, once upon a time. However, high jinks caused him and his eleven…friends, for lack of a better term, to meet four youngsters from another universe. Karkat felt something moving in his sylladex. Instinctively, he took out his computer and noticed John was pestering him.

— ectoBiologist [EB] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] —

CG: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

EB: hey karkat!

EB: i was wondering what you wanted for christmas.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS CHRISTMAS AND WHY WOULD I WANT SOMETHING.

EB:you don't know what christmas is? really?

EB: okay, i guess you answered that. christmas is the day where everyone is nice to each other and stuff. it's the season of giving and joy!

CG: JOHN.

EB: yeah?

CG: DO I STRIKE YOU AS THE TYPE OF TROLL WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT JOY?

EB: no…

CG: GREAT, GLAD WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE. I'M ALL FOR THE GIVING PART, THOUGH.

CG: I WANT A GIANT STATUE IN MY LIKENESS.

CG: EVERY PIECE OF IT WOULD BE EXCRUTIATINGLY DETAILED AND LIFE-LIKE. ALL OF YOU, AS LIFE-SIZED STATUES, WOULD FORM A CIRCLE AROUND ME, BOWING TO MY VERY PRESENSE AND THE FACT THAT MY STONE BONE BULGE BARELY FITS INTO MY ROCK HARD PANTS.

EB: umm…okay?

CG: OH WAIT.

CG: I CAN JUST ALCHEMIZE IT.

CG: IN FACT, I JUST DID. I'LL SEND YOU A PICTURE, IT'S PRETTY FUCKING GLORIOUS. IT SOMEHOW MANAGES TO CAPTURE THE PURE AND UTTER HATRED I HAVE FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.

EB: yeah, but that's not the point.

CG: THEN WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF THIS.

EB: well

EB: say someone worked really hard on making something for you.

CG: IT WOULD BE A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME.

EB: bluh! fine! i'll figure it out. later karkat!

CG: WHATEVER.

John sat on one of the many ledges of his house, looking down over LOWAS. He was hoping for some kind of hint as to what to get his friend, but he really didn't expect the conversation to go anywhere else. The heir placed his laptop down and, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket, examined a long list of friends he had to make presents for; a few names were already crossed off. For Dave, the three other kids decided upon doing guest strips of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff; for Rose, a blank book, for her to continue writing wizard fan fiction that he wasn't supposed to know about. Jade's gift was almost finished; being a Bec plush that Rose was helping him put together.

The trolls were receiving gifts as well. Some of them, like Aradia and Equius, he had no idea where to begin, but he would think of something eventually. Vriska was by far the easiest troll; for her, all of Nic Cage's movies. You had them lying around at home, surprisingly not destroyed by imps. Of course, you gave her copies of them, but she'll probably be too busy swooning to notice.

A dinging noise came from the laptop. Upon closer inspection, it appeared that John was going to be very busy for a while.

— tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] —

TT: I am almost done with Jade's gift.

EB: that's great!

EB: hey, do you know what i should get for karkat?

TT: Yes.

TT: Nothing.

EB: i have to get him something!

TT: Why, dare I ask?

EB: because we're friends and it's christmas.

TT: I do not believe trolls celebrate the holiday season.

EB: aren't you making something for kanaya?

TT: Correct, but I'm not forcing it on her. If the trolls do not wish to celebrate, I'm not going to force them to do so.

EB: geez, you make it sound like i'm a bad guy.

TT: That wasn't my intention. However, Karkat is overly rude. If you must send him a present, I would suggest coal.

EB: eh

TT: Have you talked to Dave lately? He's been surprisingly brief with his conversations as of late. I believe I've only read one rap these past few weeks.

EB: need to fill your rap quota?

TT: I have been having a rap deficiency recently. I believe he is up to something.

EB: shenanigans?

TT: Yes John. Shenanigans.

TT: I must be off. Kanaya will be here shortly to help with this suit we are making for Gamzee.

EB: The santa one? nice!

EB: Later!

— arachnidsGrip [AC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] —

AC: Joooooooohn!

AC: Where are you?

EB: sorry, i was talking to rose

AC: Oh good, you're here. Listen, I have a gr8t plan!

AC: So this Chrasmas party…

EB: christmas.

AC: Whatever.

AC: There'll 8e gifts, right?

EB: yeah?

AC: That's all I need to know.

AC: ::::D

— terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] —

TC: SuP bRoThA?

EB: hey gamzee!

TC: So If I rEmEmBeR rIgHt, I'm ThIs MaNgA tOsS gUy, RiGhT?

EB: santa claus!

EB: rose and kanaya are working on your santa suit right now.

TC: A'iGhT, tHaT's CoOl

TC: So WhAt I dO iS jUsT wAlK iN tHe DoOr

TC: AnD dO mY wHoLe

TC: HoNk HoNk HoNk, It'S tHe MoThA fUcKiN sAnDeR mAwS

TC: AnD pAsS oUt

EB: …the presents?

TC: YeAh, ThOsE tOo :o)

EB: all right then.

EB: oh, and before i go, what do you want for christmas?

TC: ShIt, I dUnNo

TC: If YoU cAn FiNd SoMe FaYgO, i'D bE iN mOtHa FuCkIn HeAvEn Or SoMeThInG

EB: alright, i'll keep an eye out.

Karkat sat on top of the base of his new statue, pondering this "Christmas" John was talking about. He hated everyone, why should he give them anything but his rage? He looked up at the Skaian clouds for answers, but all he saw were visions of joy and smiles. Even Eridan, in all his pathetic glory, found a way to brighten his day. But there he was in the corner of the room, a mixture of anger of sadness lining the future Karkat's face.

Looking between his future self and those of the others, thoughts raced through his head. Why are they so goddamn happy? Who the hell was that in the polka dot suit and what is with the awful tree? What was that flighty broad and Terezi doing with those odd candles? Why was everyone surrounded by gifts while he wasn't?

The thought of being singled out from receiving gifts infuriated the young troll. Why should they all receive gifts when he didn't? If he couldn't have his gifts, then none of them should!

CG: FUCK CHRISTMAS.

The Knight of Time was keeping himself busy with a secret project in his home. He remained distant from the others by choice, rarely allowing himself the opportunity to have a chat with them. It had been a few weeks since Dave had talked to someone in his time, although to the others this would appear to only be three days. Even so, that long of a wait was too long for some to handle. At the very least, if he still couldn't finish it by the party, he could just keep going back in time. With that in mind, Dave opened up his pesterchum on his glasses.

— gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] —

GG: hey dave!

GG: dave dave dave dave dave!

TG: sup

GG: merry almost Christmas! :D

TG: yeah you too

GG: have you changed your mind?

TG: hahaha

TG: this whole thing is so fucking stutid

TG: i don't think there's enough irony in the world to make this thing cool

GG :/

TG: but yeah ill think about it

GG: cool! i'll talk to you later then 3

TG: later

Rose was kept busy by her knitting projects. She had the plush that she was helping John with for Jade and the scarf for Kanaya, who happened to be visiting to help with a bigger project. A few days prior, John and Jade had the brilliant idea of having someone dress up as Santa, but the only person who volunteered was Gamzee. Although upon recollection, volunteered may not have been the correct word. It was more pushed on a person who didn't care one way or another, but the point was that someone was doing it, which means that someone had to make the costume. Rose was a busy girl who couldn't afford many distractions. Of course, with Kanaya helping, she managed to find the time to talk to the others every now and again.

A few days later, Gamzee tried the suit on inside Rose's home.

TC: DaMn

TC: ThIs HaS tO bE tHe MoSt CoMfOrTaBlE tHiNg EvEr

GA: Im Glad To Hear That

TT: It should keep you warm enough, but I would suggest not staying out for too long.

TC: YoU mOtHeRfUcKiNg GoT It

Gamzee quickly departed, still wearing his new polka dot covered outfit. However, he heard Karkat's voice calling for him in the distance. The short-horned troll was slightly out of breath, but could not wait to berate the clown for his idiotic garments.

CG: SO HEY

CG: NICE OUTFIT

CG: I BET ALL THOSE FLARPERS ARE JELOUS OF YOUR AMAZING STYLE. TELL ME, WERE YOU BORN RETARDED OR DID EATING ALL THOSE DISGUSTING PIES DESTROY YOUR THINK ORGAN?

TC: SuRe, WhY nOt? :o)

CG: OKAY, THAT WASN'T A YES OR NO QUESTION BUT WE'LL MOVE ON BECAUSE FUCK IT.

CG: I'VE GOT A MAP HERE FOR YOU. IT'S HOW TO GET TO THE PARTY.

TC: BuT tHiS pApEr'S bLaNk

CG: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S SNOWING, DIPSHIT.

TC: AlRiGhT

TC: I gUeSs ThAt MaKeS sEnSe

CG: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT DOES. JUST STICK TO THAT MAP AND YOU'LL BE THERE IN NO TIME.

Time slowly crept forward until the Christmas Day came. Through efforts made using John and Rose's planets, snow had started to fall on Skaia. Most of the group had already met at the hut that was put together as a meeting place. Jade, Nepeta, and Feferi took charge of decorating the hut, leading to an overabundance of cute things covering the walls.

CA: this is stupid

CC: com-e on —-Eridan, you look gr—eat! 38)

CA: i feel like a glubin retard

CA: help me take this thin off

TA: ii have two agree with fii2h boy here, iit doe2 look retarded.

CA: finally someone agrees wwith me

TA: keep iit on.

CA: fuck you

CA: land dwwellin thief

AC: :33 *ac thinks eridan looks like a funny elf!*

CA: shut the fuck up nep

AC: :33 *she pounces onto the elf's head and plays with his jingly hat*

CA: someone get this girl off me

There was a loud knock on the door, causing the group to grow silent. John walked over, but the door fell over before he could open it. Standing before the hole in the wall was Equius, holding a pine tree over his shoulder.

CG: GOD DAMN IT EQUIUS, NOW WE'RE GOING TO FREEZE TO DEATH.

CT: D— Sorry.

CT: D— I do believe this tree will be adequate for our needs.

EB: yeah, that'll work.

CA: someone please get this goddamn girl off me

John quickly tried to pick the door up, but even with the help of Karkat, Dave, and Sollux, the door specially made by Equius refused to budge. After setting the tree down, Equius effortlessly lifted the door up and placed it back where it belonged. Another knock on the door led Terezi into the room.

GC: H3 H3 H3

GC: YOU LOOK R3D1CULOUS 3R1D4N

CA: fuck you

CA: howw can you evven see me

GC: H4RD TO M1SS THE SC3NT OF L3TTUC3 4ND TOM4TO3S

GC: WH3R3 4R3 TH3 PR3S3NTS, 4NYW4Y?

GG: santa clown hasn't shown up yet D:

AT: hE, uH, iSN'T ANSWERING,

AT: dO YOU THINK SOMETHING MIGHT'VE HAPPENED TO HIM,

CG: I'LL GO LOOK FOR HIM. HE'S PROBABLY FOUND A CAVE FULL OF HORNS AND DECIDED TO GO TO TOWN WITH MINING THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

CG: I CAN PICTURE HIM STRIKING THE HORNS WITH SOME FILTHY PICKAXE HE FOUND SOMEWHERE

CG: GOING ABSO- FUCKING-LUTELY NUTS WHEN HE SETS ONE OFF.

CG: HE'S PROBABLY HONKING RIGHT ALONG WITH THEM.

CT: D— Does anyone have a towel?

EB: i'll go with you

CG: I GOT IT. JUST STAY HERE.

Karkat immediately walked out the door, slamming it behind him. The door fell again, landing right on top of Eridan. The Knight put on a coat he had in his sylladex and began his search. This was working out wonderfully for him. It shouldn't have been too hard to find Gamzee, considering his bright red shirt. As soon as he found the clown, he could dive in and grab his prize. A smile grew across his face as he began to sprint into the snow.

Eventually, Karkat found the troll he was looking for, freezing in the middle of a valley. As he inspected his nearly frostbitten friend, he heard a roar coming from above. The two troll boys turned their heads up just in time to see Vriska gently touch down on the other side of the clown.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

AG: Isn't it o8vious?

CG: NOT PARTICULARLY, NO.

AG: I'm here to help poor Gamzee to the party. Poor Santa Clown seems to have lost his way. I wonder how that happened.

CG: DON'T YOU DARE START POINTING FINGERS AT ME, HAG.

CG: YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING.

AG: Our leader, the genius ::::)

TC: So ArE wE gOiNg To ThIs PaRtY oR wHaT?

Karkat attempted to grab the bag of gifts, but Vriska was faster. Before he could try and take it from her, the girl flew away in her rocket boots. He shook a clenched fist at her as she faded away in the distance.

CG: I FUCKING KNEW IT! YOUR TITLE FITS, YOU KNOW THAT?

TC: HeY, wHeRe'S sHe GoInG wItH mY fAyGo?

CG: SHE TOOK MORE THAN JUST YOUR SHITTY DRINKS, YOU FUCKING NITWIT. SHE TOOK ALL OF THE PRESENTS!

TC: AlL oF tHeM?

CG: DON'T YOU START THAT SHIT WITH ME.

TC: HeY, iT's CoOl

CG: AND WHY THE HELL IS THAT.

TC: I'vE sTiLl GoT tHe PrEsEnTs In My SyLlAdEx

TC: HoNk :o)

CG: WHAT.

TC: YeAh MaN, cHeCk ThIs ShIt OuT

Upon pulling out the Bard's sylladex, Karkat noticed Gamzee was telling the truth. Inside that constantly moving, miracle-modus set sylladex was almost every present. With the constantly changing colors illuminating his face, Karkat unclenched his fist. He felt calm and somehow gloomy, realizing what he was doing out in the snow.

TC: MaN

TC: JoHn GaVe Me A mOtHeRfUcKiNg MoThErLoAd Of FaYgO

TC: :o(

CG: COME ON, WE'VE GOT A PARTY TO GET TO.

Vriska quickly arrived at a cave she decided to use as a hideout, just in case such an event would occur. With a grin, she took the large red bag and threw it on the floor. As she slowly opened it, her smile faded away. Her brow furrowed as she bared her fangs.

AG: Where the fuck 8re the presents?

AG: GAAAAAAAAMZEEEEEEEE

Another knock came from the door. Eridan made sure to keep a safe distance from it this time. Yet again, the door fell down.

TC: HoNk HoNk HoNk

TC: It'S tHe MoThA fUcKiN sAnTa ClOwN

TC: :oD

EB: it's santa…oh forget it.

The two trolls walked through the open entryway. Karkat sat in the corner as Equius again picked up the door. The Knight of Blood watched Santa Clown take out his sylladex and let the presents fly. Miraculously, everyone received the right gifts and with minimal damage. Everyone, except Karkat.

TG: alright, i want all of you to open my presents first

TG: spent forever making these things

TG: a lot of time shit went down to make this hapen folks, so you better appreciate the effort i put in

AT: hOW TO RAP,

AT: bY, uH, dAVE STRIDER

CT: D—It appears we have received the same gift

TC: SaMe HeRe BrOtHa

CA: wwhat the fuck am i supposed to do wwith this

TG: you up your game, that's what the fuck you're supposed to do with it

TG: i've been holding back for weeks now

TG: saving my best stuff for this

GG: aww, i got a peaches doll! Thanks Dave 3

EB: is this what i think it is?

TG: yes it is egbert

EB: bill murray's proton pack! how did you know?

TG: you told me, remember?

EB: oh yeah

TT: What exactly is this?

TG: time yarn

TG: i don't know what it does but i'm sure you'll figure it out

TT: A blank book. How thoughtful of you John, I was meaning to start writing again.

GG: a bec plush? you guys are the best!

GG: :)

CA: alright wwho got me stinkin fish tank

CC: glub glub!

CA: oh

CA: thanks fef

CC: thanks for th-e…

CA: wwhat?

CC: you gav-e m—-e a d—ead fish 38(

CA: …

CC: anyon—-e for fri—-ed fish?

CA: glub

CT: D—Boxing gloves? Why Nepeta, how kind of you.

AC: :33 *ac likes the kitty robot her good friend Equius purrfectly put together!*

EB: has anyone seen vriska?

Just then, the door fell over to reveal a furious troll girl with a red sack in her hand. She threw the bag of faygo at Gamzee, who immediately took a bottle out and went to town with it. John walked over as Equius picked the door up with a sigh, handing Vriska a present.

AG: Not right now, John. I'm not re8lly in the Christm8s mood.

EB: okay then. i guess that just leaves one present left!

Karkat peered through the window, looking at the happy crowd. He hadn't noticed that someone had brought a salamander, nor did he know that salamanders could cut a rug so well. He started to walk away from the building when John left the party as well.

EB: where're you going?

CG: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

EB: oh come on, you can't leave when you haven't gotten your present yet!

CG: JOHN, IF THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SOME SHITTY JOKE

Before Karkat could say another word, John wrapped his arms around him.

EB: merry christmas, karkat.

John let go and ran back towards, leaving the dazed Karkat in the cold. John turned back to see if Karkat was following him, and in that cold, where the snow slowly filled foot prints, John thought he saw the troll smile.


End file.
